Living a selfish program like we do, comes with quite a bit of compromise. Focusing each day, one day at a time at surviving and beating the cravings, pain, and mental obsession into oblivion with the help and grace of God takes so much focus and work.
Yet, I would be the last one to say to someone that they can not be in recovery and a relationship.
It’s tap dancing barefoot on broken glass, while doing twenty-five other things some days though. Of course, I’m writing this while in a long-term marriage, 19 years after my last drink or drug.
When I was younger, one of my marriages ended. My part of it was I went to many meetings every week. I spent more time focused on my sobriety, than on my marriage. I spent more time working the program than working on my relationship. The other part? I was a human punching bag for a person who thought I was cheating on him with AA/NA and the fellowship.
I remember knowing that about the only thing I had going for me was my sobriety. I remember knowing in my heart of hearts that my soul was on the line and that I was engaged in a battle with the demons in my head. I was battling my disease. Yet, I wasn’t supposed to give one ounce to my sobriety without putting my marriage and my husband first.
Ironically, he knew I was an alcoholic when he married me. I was just the wrong kind, I was a sober one.
Many relationships have gone since then.
Today, some of the same issues are at stake. I spend even more time on my recovery. I go to many meetings. No, I’m never at any danger of being physically abused. We met in recovery.
Finding that balance between service, recovery, and my marriage though takes its toll at times. I am no master at it. Also thrown into the mix is my medical problems. There are days that I can’t be a loving, kind attentive wife. There are days I can not leave the house.
How do we cope? Some days are better than others. Some days, never a cross word is said, no problems arrive, and the dishes are done so to speak. Others, we don’t do so well. I leave in tears for a meeting, and come home determined to never fight.
I keep track of things, I do the steps. I make amends. There are times though, that I fall way short. I then have to be gentle with myself and with my husband. None of this is going to be perfect. Even the literature says progress not perfection.
That’s all I have for now.