Essays

Working

There is a song playing in the background. Dad is reading his Bible. I am working on getting a bit more organized. The dogs are enjoying some chew bones. It’s one of those cold winters snow days.

Schools are cancelled, the roads are crummy, and it is a beautiful day to stay inside all warmed up.

I have dug out my old copy of Sidetracked home executives, and I am applying a bit of the program to a problem I have.

I am a hoarder. I am also exceptionally lazy. The house is horrifying. I have many justifications and rationalizations for this. Suffice it to say, this doesn’t quite cut it.

So, with Big Book and program on one side, and a little help from the slob sisters, I’m going to get to work.

Where does the bullet journal come in? I will post photos later. For now, I’m busy taking notes.

I’m at step one with the home. I am powerless over my laziness, and my life is unmanageable.

That’s all for now.

L

Advertisements

Facing fear

Morning, second cuppa decaf is ready, and the dogs are outside sniffing around.

Today is day four of heavy anxiety. It is part of life. I am still maintaining for the most part with only one anxiety cancellation.

What is an anxiety cancellation? It is a planned event that I cannot make it to. Fear keeps me home.

This is the first four day anxiety streak in about 3 years.

So, what am I going to do about it?

On Sunday, I set it aside. I took Dad to Mass and afterwards we went to cards. The roads were slicker than snot, but we made it.

However, yesterday I stayed home all day. Today, I have to leave the house again.

Dad and I are heading to an appointment for his skin cancer. It’s been a normal that two or three times per year, the Dr removes more skin cancer. This morning we are going to run errands, and then the VA.

I have been doing all of the tricks I learned in recovery and other places to keep the fear down to a roar.

Yesterday, I turned to knitting to calm down. My dog decided to eat my knitting, and my needles. I blew my stack, verbally. I then cleaned up the mess, and put myself in time out. Dad understands, and knew that I needed to get a handle on my anger before bed.

Anger is a twin sister to fear in my book.

So, what will I do today about the emotional train wreck running through my head?

I will write, and keep writing, until the fear passes. I will take care of my blood sugar, and my health. When I am overwhelmed, I will take a break.

So, I need to repack my bug out bag, with anxiety in mind, and get to work.

L

Keeping ahead of it

I make no secret of the fact that I am a sober alcoholic. I am a disabled person who has to keep track of two households, both my Dad’s and my husband’s.

I was lucky in that I took on this life with several years of recovery under my belt. I was also lucky in that I found the bullet journal system around this time.

So, how do I keep ahead of it? With my disability, my alcoholism, my health and my tiny budget, how do I do this?

I keep trying, no matter what. I also do many inventory lists of what works and what doesn’t.

For example, with yesterday’s storm. I knew that Dad dawdles a bit. I told him a leave time about 15 minutes before we had to really leave. I do this because it works.

For appointments with my husband, I keep a copy of his schedule as well. Neither my Dad nor my husband drive. My husband is 60 miles away.

I keep a “bug out” bag with my diabetes and medical essentials hidden inside. I always have it with me every time I leave the house, as well as my BuJo. I plan the whole day for appointments. I also keep otc recovery friendly medicine with me.

I schedule appointments around Dad’s VA schedule, since his are scheduled further out.

In my bujo, everything is laid out. I have monthly, weekly, and daily plans. I have A.A. meeting schedules for both my South Dakota and Minnesota home groups as well.

When I have to travel for my own medical needs, I always plan for meetings and errands as well. This keeps me in line and focused.

Dad and I live about 12 miles north of town, so scheduling things in bunches really helps. I also plan breaks.

For example, when taking Dad to town yesterday, I brought the bujo and reviewed all the upcoming appointments. This was my break time, my relaxation, and my comfort.

I also keep my recovery literature with me at all times. There is a kindle version of most AA books on my phone, and I am able to get my daily readings and homework done at a glance.

Errands day, usually once a month, is broken up into manageable chunks so that I am not overwhelmed. My breaks can involve getting a bite to eat or sitting and having a cup of decaf and watching traffic from a parking lot.

I can also get to an A.A. meeting if I plan my routes correctly.

Even though, I cannot physically stand for long, or walk very far, I compensate for this with either a walker or a cane. While I can not ever drive professionally, due to insulin dependency, I can do my best.

Thank You for your time, have a great day.

L

Running

Morning. We are under severe winter weather advisory for my area, and Dad and I are out and about.

Dad has two appointments at the VA this morning. It has been a ‘normal’ recovery day so far for me.

The dogs woke me several times during the night to go outside. I finally crawled out of bed at 5:10 this morning. I did my morning reading, had my first smoke of the day and made coffee.

I woke Dad at 6, and then again at 6:30 so we could leave in plenty of time to get to town. With the wind conditions and the fact that the sun wouldn’t be up yet, I needed extra time for travel.

Dad said, “One word of advice” as he got into the car. I asked him what that was, and he replied, “Don’t get into an accident.” I said I would take his advice.

Maybe he could have mentioned that to the other drivers.

We arrived in town with half an hour to spare before his appointment. However, driving through town, even with the interstate, he had only three minutes to spare. It was rush hour combined with the weather.

I am grateful we made it.

Planning ahead only does so much, execution also has something to do with it. I could plan to be a billionaire, it is a good plan. However, with my current circumstances, and the fact that I am doing absolutely nothing about it, it is not likely it will ever happen.

Life gets teejious, don’t it…

Have a great day.

L

Last night I cold called a newcomer

I don’t like cold calling. It’s just too blasted hard. This is one of those “I am responsible” things. I was asked by someone to call this person. It’s a rare moment.

Unfortunately, my pneumonia made the call an interesting one.

We spoke for about 30 minutes, mostly for me to give them reassurance about their new life.

It is what it is.

Meanwhile, it was a short night. I was not planning on coming to Minnesota, but the severe illness and death of a family dog brought me out.

It is interesting that the one thing to pull me out of this funk, was cold calling a newcomer.

That’s all for now.

L

New Year same me

Good morning.

First post of 2018 I guess. I have pneumonia, and today is the first day off of antibiotics. It still hurts to breathe and I take many naps during the day.

I have 7018 days sober today. It’s weird thinking about that many days sober. I have come to guard my sobriety a little more carefully now a days. For example, I saw my Dr a week ago. I had been coughing until more than mucous came loose. She prescribed an antibiotic, an anti fungal, and a cough medicine. I agreed, and went on my way to the pharmacy.

Once there, after the obligatory 20 minutes wait, I was stopped cold by the cough medicine. It said may make you drowsy. I came clean to the pharmacist, and let him know of my recovery status. I asked if I could return them, he said “Not after you have taken them.” I said, “No, now.” He agreed, and I saved ten dollars and walked out with piece of mind.

I am slowly healing, and I am going to be okay, sobriety intact.

Mornings

It is not normal for my life as an alcoholic, to be willing to get out of bed before I absolutely have to do so. For the last several months though, I have been waking between 3 and 7 in the morning.

Months ago, I read a book called “Miracle Morning”. It speaks to the thought of getting up early in order to get some much needed work done at the beginning of the day. I don’t follow those directions exactly, I just do what needs to be done.

For example:

I wake up at 3 in the morning. I let the dogs out for some necessary business, I get the coffee started (I had to switch to decaf) and I take my morning medicines. I test my blood sugars, and I focus on what is in front of me to do. Before the dogs come in, I have the first smoke, read Dear Abbey, and consider my day ahead.

I go through my planner and picks three things that absolutely must get done today. I also go through the homework from the night before, and see if I left anything out.

The dogs get fed, and the coffee gets poured, and the morning chugs along. Morning prayers, maybe a chapter or two of study, and before I know it, it’s time that Dad is up and out of bed.

I have just had a few hours to myself, a few hours of peace and quiet, and a few hours with God.

It’s a good thing.

L